Since That Night
by myhomeistheshire
Summary: It was supposed to be just one night.


It was supposed to be just one night.

One night, and then it was over. Never spoken of, thought of, ever again. Or at least that's what Leo had said. No, _Fitz,_ she reprimanded herself sternly. One night, the best night of her life, of heat and fire and waking up beside him. And she'd let herself be happy, with unbridled emotion, for a moment. And then.

"It was a mistake. I'm sorry, Simmons." And that was what broke her, the distance in his voice. _Simmons,_ not Jemma. He'd sounded _polite,_ damn him. She'd nodded, agreed with him. Of course, they never should've done it, never tried to change the dynamic between them. It was never to be spoken of again. Like it had never even happened.

But of course, it had. And with him it could never be just one night.

She'd held herself together until the doors of his bunk closed behind her and then she couldn't reign herself in and the furthest she made it was the curve in the hallway before the sobs came, racking her shoulders and stopping her breath. And then her legs suddenly weren't strong enough to hold her so she slid to the ground. Heartbreak. Such a stupid word, silly and foolish and cliched. But as she crouched there, it was the only thing that could describe the stabbing pain in her chest, drawing breath from her lungs only to pull it back again, hitched in her throat. And she was so _stupid,_ so utterly simple to think that he could ever love her, with her perfectionism and her nitpicky habits and her awkwardness and how she could never find the right words for what she was feeling even though she knew so many. And so when she'd cried herself out she dragged herself to the couch in the common room because her bunk was too close to him, and she shut her heart up as she tucked herself into the blankets and fell asleep with tear streaks stale on her face.

Skye found her there the next morning, but she didn't ask questions. Not then, and not later when Jemma continued on her work in the lab with Fitz but flinched away whenever he came too close to touching her. Jemma was grateful for that, and for how the rest of the team kept quiet even though they must've guessed something. But Fitz didn't know, because she kept her voice bright and her smile ready and what did it matter if she'd all but stopped eating and couldn't remember the last time she slept the night? And, slowly, she built up a wall around herself. Because if this was love then it hurt far too much for her to allow herself to feel again.

"Simmons?"

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?"

The first time Fitz had let on to the fact that he had noticed, to some extent, that she wasn't her cheery self. Jemma's heart clenched and she hid her face by looking down at the test tubes she was analyzing.

"I'm peachy." She said, with a forced smile as she looked up at him. And he was so beautiful, standing there with a concerned look in his green eyes, the creases of his mouth drifting downward. "Why?"

Fitz looked embarassed. "I don't know, you've just seemed - off, lately. Since . . ." He drifted off. And Jemma couldn't finish it for him, couldn't speak, but of course she had to.

"Since that night?" She tried to make her voice cool and collected, and it worked better than she expected it to since Fitz looked even more embarassed. "I thought we were going to forget about it - it was a mistake, right? Never to be spoken of." And maybe her voice was twinged with bitterness for a second. But just one. Because she'd closed her heart to that night long ago.

"Well, yes, but I just thought . . ." Drifting. Waiting for her to finish his sentences, like she always did, because they weren't just Fitz and Simmons, they were fitzsimmons, they were a team. Except not anymore.

"You thought wrong, I suppose." Simmons clipped briskly. "Now, I'm going to go work on this test analysis in my room for a bit -"

"You never sleep there anymore."

"What?" Simmons was startled, just for a moment.

"In your bedroom." Fitz said, and he seemed to be bracing himself. "I've seen you. You wander around, and then you fall asleep for an hour or two on the couch but then you're up again before anyone else. I don't know how you function -"

"Fitz, it doesn't matter -"

"No, it does." He persisted. "And I've noticed - other things. You flinch away from me, every now and then. Not just me, everyone. And you're so thin now, you haven't been eating. You've been more focused on the lab experiments, you're overworking yourself. You just - you're not yourself, Jemma."

_Jemma_. That was what brought the wave, crashing over her. Every emotion from that night, and suddenly there were tears welling up in her eyes and she was turning away from Fitz, because she just _couldn't_ have him see her like this.

"Jemma?" The concern in his voice was so palpable, so obvious that the tears came faster and her shoulders shook as she struggled to keep it all in. And all she knew was that she had to get _away_, before all the hurt came back again and so she struck out blindly, fumbling around needing get away. But then his arms were around her and a sob escaped and overcame her and then she was gasping into his chest, deep racking sobs shaking her whole body. "_Shh, Jemma, it's alright, I'm here._" And she didn't want to hear the words, didn't want hope, that frail thing capable of so much damage, to raise its head again. And so she stood there for an eternity, battling a losing war with her emotions. And finally she raised her head and took a shaky breath and wiped away the tears and put on her Simmons face, smiling and stoic.

"Sorry about that, I just had a couple things -"

"I love you."

Heart thudding in her ears, blood flowing through veins, hands trembling though clenched tightly together.

"What?"

"I know what I said, but I thought that was what you wanted, and I couldn't stand to hear you say it. And I waited and I tried to be someone strong, and - and brave, someone that you could love."

Fingernails, biting into palms.

"And I know I've been stupid, and an idiot, and I know that this might make you hate me, but I love you."

And then he ducked his head, and let out a breath, and then turned to go.

"Wait!" Her voice, ringing out through the air. She took in a shaky breath. Braced herself.

"I thought - I thought it didn't mean anything to you. And, I couldn't stand it." Her voice sounded so loud in her ears. She swallowed. "I couldn't stand seeing you, and knowing that for you nothing had changed -" She couldn't finish, couldn't look at him.

And then his hands were lifting her face up, so she had to meet his eyes. And they were so perfect, more so every time she saw them.

And then he brought his lips down to meet hers. And all she could think was that she could never imagine someone being so impossibly gentle.

"I love you." He murmured against her skin.

"I love you." She whispered back. A secret, theirs now to share.


End file.
